The Very Secret Diary of Duke Roger of Conté
by Shadowkati
Summary: Ever wonder what Roger REALLY thought about during 'A:tFA? Wonder no more, for after much searching and careful restoration, his Very Secret Diary is revealed!


**Author's Note:** The VSD Challenge was set on The Dancing Dove at ezboard. The instructions were to write a parody diary for a character from any of Tamora Pierce's books. The challenge was taken up very enthusiastically by many of the Dove's members and so, for the book "Alanna: The First Adventure", I present:   
  
**The Very Secret Diary of Duke Roger of Conte**   


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**Day 1**   
  
Am bored. Have decided to bleach hair as told that blondes have more fun.   
  
**Day 12**   
  
Still bored. Blondes do NOT have more fun. Was lied to. Also, repairing roots v. annoying. Have decided to become evil sorcerer instead. Can have natural hair as black good colour for bad.   
  
First task – find magical way to remove bleach.   
  
**Day 13**   
  
Have decided to make List of Evil Sorcerer Tasks:   
1. Develop evil laugh.   
2. Accumulate morally ambiguous sidekicks.   
3. Develop convoluted ways of killing people. (Sword through heart too easy for someone as brainy as me.)   
4. Become monarch of a country. (Must choose good one. Scanra too cold. Copper Isles filled with crazy people.)   
5. Become immortal.   
  
Should probably look into spells that will aid tasks. Shall go to Emporium of Evil Enchantments tomorrow.   
  
**Day 14**   
  
Bought lots of new magic paraphernalia from E of EE. Have 90 points on loyalty card. If earn 150 shall get free book on "How To Create Weapons of Menace" and chance to enter prize draw for holiday to Carthak.   
  
**Day 18**   
  
Have reached Chapter 13 of "Evil Wizarding for Dummies". Am starting to grow dashing moustache. Must practice twirling ends in mirror.   
  
**Day 22**   
  
Yay! Have 170 loyalty points! Everyone in prize draw trying to cheat but evil x 33 apparently cancels self out. Hope I win. Need holiday. Caught kid cousin trying on dashing cape. Trod on end and covered red satin in mud. Jon just asking to be made example of evilness.   
  
**Day 27**   
  
I won! No time to write, must pack!   
  
**Day 52**   
  
Am in Carthak. Got seasick. Am not going home until develop seasickness preventative. Even if hotel is next to building site. Is v. hot and Gallans always get best sun loungers by pool first. May practice sorcery on them.   
  
**Day 55**   
  
Met Emperor Ozorne. Is potentially Evil Monarch _and_ Wicked Uncle! V. impressed. Always v. cool to meet fellow villain. Got on well (think O. fancied me – must be moustache) and think was going to tell secret of immortality. Blew it by calling him Ozzie.   
  
**Day 61**   
  
Evil magic more tricky than good. More likely to blow up. Have been invited to party by Oz. Must have forgiven me. Hope eyebrows grow back soon.   
  
**Day 64**   
  
Eyebrows did not grow back in time. Was too embarrassed to go to party. Oz v. peeved – thinks am avoiding him. Am – but not for reasons he thinks.   
  
**Day 68**   
  
Trying to create air-cooling spell. Makes people sweat more instead. Now Gallans in pool all the time!   
  
**Day 70**   
  
Have not worked on the List for while. Think have lost chance of Oz becoming sidekick. In hindsight should not have said braids girly.   
  
Have decided to become monarch of Tortall – no place like home.   
  
**Day 72**   
  
Have decided to turn malfunctioning air-cooling spell into fiendishly evil sickness. Covers two items on list. Convoluted method of death _and_ if kill off heirs to Tortall throne, become monarch – v. efficient! Cannot believe never thought of it earlier!   
  
**Day 89**   
  
Developed seasickness preventative! Can go home! No more Gallans! No more Ozorne death stares! Will miss pool though. When monarch, will build one at palace.   
  
**Day 93**   
  
Sweating SicknessTM did not work. Small boy cured Jonathan! Spell must have been damaged in transit – am writing complaint to postal service. I clearly marked package 'Fragile'. Good job going home. More hands on approach obviously needed.   
  
**Day 119**   
  
Am home. Uncle-King said must teach boys magic. Could not really say am too busy because plotting overthrow of throne. Cousin annoying still but idol-worship of self v. touching.   
  
**Day 120**   
  
Read mind of small red-haired page (can not remember name) – thought was getting interference in telepathic waves at first and tried adjusting magic aerial. Turns out is just stupid and has empty head. Definitely something wrong with Sweating SicknessTM if stupid redhead could cure.   
  
**Day 141**   
  
Stupid redhead has v. pretty sword. Shiny! Want one.   
  
**Day 197**   
  
Forgot am allowed squire. Can start acquiring Morally Ambiguous Sidekicks. Thought maybe Gareth of Naxen as is clever. Or Raoul of Goldenlake as is strong.   
  
Chose Alex of Tirragen as is pretty. May need to reconsider selection technique.   
  
**Day 235**   
  
Soon-to-be knights going on trip to Persopolis. Chance to put new convoluted method of death into practice: have been v. lax lately. Bought hypnotic pendant from E of EE. Blurb says can make subject do anything – even cluck like chicken or think is pumpkin.   
  
Was v. tempted to make whole class believe they are frogs but resisted. Impressive act of self-control IMO.   
  
Told Jon to go to Black City. Mythical beings no one believes in live there. Gave me directions once when lost in desert. Are aspiring evildoers – have asked favour. Wicked beings stick together and have promised will send E of EE's latest catalogue. Is hard to get mail-order catalogues in desert.   
  
**Day 281**   
  
Jon came back alive. Cannot get staff these days. Definitely cannot get those specific staff as are now dead.   
  
Took stupid redhead page with him. Specifically said to go _alone_. Pendant must be broken. Last time I buy anything from '3 4 2 End of Season Sale!' at E of EE.   
  


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**Disclaimer:** All characters and locations are the sole property of Tamora Pierce and are used without permission and for no profit. The original VSDs were created by Cassandra Claire for the Lord of the Rings. The **Dancing Dove** challenge was inspired by said Cassie Claire, who in turn was inspired by Helen Fielding's 'Bridget Jones' Diary'. 


End file.
